Weather or Not

Woke up to hurricane warnings! Stuff blowing sideways past your window makes Mondays less thrilling. This weather happens in the Southeast since the Gulf of Mexico is apparently El Niño's favorite place to do a huge belly buster. (Scientific fact. Ask anybody.)

Every area has to deal with their distinctive weather "signature". And we regularly deal with contractors who feel "the weather" is why they're busy, not busy, on fire, or chipping their trucks out of the parking lot instead of selling. (A solution is coming, if you can believe it.)

But first, here's how the rest of the Nation views your region. If you live in these regions and disagree, the rest of us would like to say, "Yeah, right. Whatever you say."

How Others View Weather in Your Area

The North and Northeast is embalmed under 3 feet of ice for like 9 months of the year. All winter, tanker-loads of salt are dumped over what is called "Goiter's Triangle" that stretches from Detroit to Bangor to Cleveland. To help indoors, millions of Amish Heaters are sent (second one shipped FREE!) to thaw inhabitants. Several regain consciousness and revote in Chicago elections.

The Midwest - in organized midwesterly fashion - has a tornado scheduled every 90 minutes. That's why the show, Storm Chasers (previously called "9 Sorta Bored Idiots in a Van Full of Cameras") drives around Nebraska hoping to outrun 270 mph winds. When the Tornado Generator Vortex Thruster machine is being serviced, a flood is called in to relieve boredom.

In the Northwest, it has been raining since the Paleozoic era. In Seattle, a town where Noah wouldn't have made Eagle Scout, it's not unusual to see a giant squid in a coffee shop, just lying there... lost, but caffeinated. Those raised in the Northwest have never seen their shadow outdoors, thus believe "The Sun" is a rumor. Mildew is considered a crop.

In the Southwest, they pretend to have two seasons: 1) hot and 2) dry, but they occur simultaneously. (Then why the appeal of Taco chips and hot sauce?) The west half of Texas - which is larger than all of Europe - also boasts of "Tumbleweed Season," though it was determined these are actually remnants of the border fence.

As non-conformists, California refuses to have weather. They instead have "trends" which include seismic gyrations, mudslides, geysers, and locust swarms. Oddly, locals contend that it's "Surf's Up" all year at 72 degrees with perfect humidity, yet the Television News shows houses sliding down hills onto Interstate 5, where no one really notices, but honks and refuses to let them "cut in line". California behaves like an island, which could be prophetic.

So, the weather never cooperates. The season never "behaves". You can always find a reason that your business doesn't thrive because of conditions "out of your control." But there are conditions within your control...

How to Make Smart Marketing Beat the Stupid Weather (Plus a 7 Sentence Marketing Plan that WORKS)

The Big Question. The Really Big Question.

Thursday morning, January 3, 9:15am. My college friend from New Orleans calls to rub my nose in my inability to get tickets for the National Championship game between Alabama and LSU. It would be easier to arrange a Celebrity Smackdown between Obama and Rosie O’Donnell. (I’d pull for both of them to lose.)

“Everybody’s going to be here, but you’re not,” was his comforting encouragement. “I guess we’ll have to trash your character in your absence,” That’s what guy friends do. We have so much dirt on each other that a few more clumps never hurt.

Ladies would plan a luncheon for you if you missed. Feelings would be expressed.

Thursday night, January 3, 6:10 pm,. With the game 3 days away, I drove home resigning to watch the game on TV. My wife had moved past any chance of going too. We “justified” the consolation prize with comments like “The bathrooms are cleaner! And hey, no parking problems!” It would be fine.

Yet my wife greets me at the door with, “You won’t believe what happened. We have some plans to discuss.”

Usually that type comment would portend an ominous issue, like a tree had visited my living room, or my dog was being featured on “When Good Pets Go Bad”. But her tone was more upbeat, and I must say a little breathless.

“Four tickets came available today because a family in Baltimore can’t make the trip. I called them. She said a travel agency in Alabama has the tickets. I called them.” She was almost panting.

“I got the price, which is half of current rate. He’s holding them until tomorrow morning for us to decide. If we don’t call by 9, he sells them on the open market.” I felt she would slump to the floor like the messenger dude in Hubbard’s “Message to Garcia”.

Soon as I revived her, questions emerged:

Would I need to sell my house to pay for the tickets? Do we get all 4 even though only 3 of us can go? Where would the band set up for the party my high-school daughter was plotting in our absence? These questions haunt parents on a number of levels.

Then I remembered the most important question to ask when faced with any difficult decision: “Would the cops find out?” Wait, no, THAT’S not it. But it’s a question that can be used in sales, marketing, business planning, hiring, marriage, or whether to over-spend on a 3 hour sports spectacle, and that question is here…