8 Wise Things That I Have Learned, Some of Them Just Yesterday

Having had a birthday this week, I decided to assemble my list of wise sayings and observations. When you start seeing gray hair, you can do this too. This article has very little to do with marketing, except for the last one, so consider yourself warned.

1. If you don’t think birthdays are worth celebrating, try skipping one. Same goes for every day, including this one.
2. If your wife of 25 years asks you before you go out, “Are you wearing that?” this does not mean she’s been stricken blind. She essentially means “You look hopelessly unkempt, inappropriate, and stupid.” Your options are to a) change clothes or b) prepare to not stand next to her for the duration of said event. Either option can have advantages. I did not just say that.
3. The next time a company worth $40 billion asks for a permit to drill a hole in the earth, please ask if they can fill the hole they make. My sheetrock guy, carpenter, auto bodyman and dentist – who aren’t worth $40 billion - make holes and know how to patch them. They consider it part of their job, and would be insulted if you thought otherwise. Related to this…
4. I wouldn’t order any oysters until 2025. Or later.
5. When your teenage children drive you nuts because their moods are governed by tides on an evil and distant planet, remind yourself of this: Your tolerance of them now is in direct proportion to the tolerance they’ll have for you later when you’re telling them about gall bladder surgery. Again.
6. If you feel the need to make a smarty pants comment to a waiter or waitress, don’t do it until after your food has been served. If you are with someone who forgets this rule, make sure you order something significantly different from them. For instance, if you order soup and the rude person does too, you should immediately say, “I have a sudden craving for the flaming lamb kabobs instead.”
7. If you’re caught napping at your desk, the all time best response is, “… in his name we pray, amen.” Though a good response, if false, you may be punished more discreetly and severely that just being honest with your boss.
8. If you are Nike and your trillionaire client with a squeaky clean image seems to have misplaced his wedding vows, it is in poor taste – marketing or otherwise – to try and buy back public sympathy with an ad campaign featuring his deceased father. My advice: drop him. Just do it.

And so, since I’m sure there are tens of thousands of cards in the mail wishing me so, I’ll wish myself a happy birthday. See? Wisdom is knowing your audience.