The Coconut Pie Theory of Relationship Building

Her face reflected the kindness of mothering and intelligence of years. You know these ladies; the ones who have tricked their husbands into thinking he makes the decisions. They dress age-appropriately, yet are well-enough preserved enough to bend age to their interpretation. They’re fun to talk to, socially intriguing, elegant, yet tough – the steel hand in a velvet glove approach.

All regions have their versions. The South mints a particular kind that ‘seems’ to be surface-without- substance. Yet the genteel exterior has a core that is unafraid of confrontation. Like the South itself I guess.

She looked at me when describing a relationship problem with her nearly grown daughter and said, “Honey, if a coconut pie won’t help heal the wounds, you need professional counseling.”

Her look told me the truth had just been spoken. I only needed a little explanation. I resisted telling her my version of this as an inept car fiddler, “If a hammer won’t fix it, you have an electrical problem”. Nope, hers made sense. For all of us.

Around here, anything is a reason for good food. Southern funerals have generated more catering contracts than all the marketing combined. Most any Southern mother’s first and last questions for any houseguest are the same:

“Do you want something to eat?” A note to those of you visiting from other regions, “I just ate” is not an acceptable response. The question wasn’t “Are you hungry?”

Though the jokes about expanded waistlines hold merit, the act of having a meal is the binder of relationships, the settler of emotions. It is the “breaking of bread” carried forward in rich tradition.

My interlocutor had confided a slight family problem with her daughter. She found herself unable to even get to “the subject” without her daughter getting defensive, averting blame and avoiding the topic. Her mother’s response: Arrive with a coconut pie.
“I didn’t care if she ate it. It opened the door toward peace without me opening my mouth about it.” She paused. “By the third bite, we began talking. By the time we finished a piece, we were both crying. By the time we mutually decided to ‘sneak’ a bite from the next slice, we were laughing.”

The soft side of relationship-building works.Can be conversation. Time together. Giving without expecting return. A coconut pie. Just being there and willing counts for plenty.

Just returned from a National Conference where the ill-guided event planners asked me to speak (as in “publicly”). At these conferences, I get to meet all sorts of members, clients, prospects, organizers, other speakers. Fellowship, fun, and food all in abundance. Good stuff, but I must admit something right here:

I have on occasion had the ever-so-convincing devil of “Why Bother?” on my shoulders before these events. The “Does it really matter?” questions. The “Don’t they know I’m ‘available without me actually proving it?” lazy streak. Yet the afterglow snatches those thoughts.

Conversations were struck that would’ve never happened in any substitute media. Many of you shared current problems and challenges (why I attend). Other shared the joys of record-setting years looking for ways to get to the next level (the second reason I attend).

Yet the most rewarding part of these conferences is the interaction. The relationship-building that’s done by just being there and willing.

It is the exact same with your customers. You cannot be effective and absent at the same time. You cannot truthfully say you appreciate customers without proving it. You cannot settle concerns by ignoring their presence. All require availability.

Kindle the relationship with your customers. Fling open the door of being available. Prove you value their presence. Don’t let “Why bother?” take over. Build the relationship and the revenue comes.

Relationships are the slice of life. Enjoy.

Questions for you:

1. How many ‘touches’ do you have with customers per year? (Ideal is 24, that is = 1 appointment reminder by phone, 1 thanks by phone, 1 thanks by mail, 1 follow up/referral request, 4 newsletters, 2 holiday-cards, 8 non-sales emails, 4 sales emails, 2 ‘sales’ pieces mailed. Note, you DO NOT earn the ‘right’ or the response rate to sales offers without the other pieces. Our newsletter customers get way higher response rates from their sales offers than non-newsletter customers. Not a coincidence.)

2. Do your staff members exhibit true relationship-building with customers? Do you give them authority to solve problems? Do you have an incentive for them to go beyond “normal” customer service? (Example: We have a “Customer Service Spotlight” story to end our weekly meetings. In this, we hear how a coach ‘fixed’ or greatly enhanced the results for a customer. Part of the culture, can easily be a part of yours too.)