TRUE STORY: How to Not Win Customers

Next year we’re celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary. That is, if she’ll start behaving soon. (Camera cuts to me pleading, “No dear, I didn’t make any snide remarks in a public forum. May I peel you more sunflower seeds?”)

Since we’re going like way out of town, I headed to the post office to update my passport. Funny, my kids have been to Europe twice since my passport expired. Something is seriously wrong here.

And something is equally wrong with the United States Post Office. Yes, I realize they spent all their lunch money when Reagan was prez, but if you’ll look at this stupid sign at the entrance, you’ll see this is one of dozens of things very rotten about their message. And this same thing applies to you in your business. Check out the dumbest greeting sign ever…

The parking lot, by the way, holds 80 cars, and I never see more than 5-6 there. And are the words, ‘…or less’ really needed here?

Imagine this idiotic sign in front of any place that might want customers. Or might want them to linger. Can you imagine Starbucks doing this? There’d be bedlam in the social media streets. Baristas would leap from drive through windows.

So, they have serious sales problems, and are doing their best to curtail their nonexistent customers to 30 minutes. Got it.

I pick on this sign, not for the lunacy it is, but as an indicator of systemic failure. Yes, the problems persisted indoors.

The place looks shabby. Soaked ceiling tiles, half drooping. Hand scrawled signs haphazardly taped to walls with friendly notes like, “Don’t let your children play on the rails,” and “Stand behind yellow line until next teller motions.” (Motions? Motions for what… a pardon?)

This Conversation Actually Happened

ME: (After being properly motioned), “I’m renewing my passport and…
ZOMBIE LIKE PERSON in grayish blue, to match her blood: “He’s not here. He’ll be back at 1:00”.
ME: “Uh, he? (I’m struggling already.) “He, the Passport specialist?”
ZLP: “Yeah. He takes the pichers. He’ll be back at 1.”
ME: “It’s 5 after 12. Can I get the forms to fill out and come back?”
ZLP: “You can do that and take it to CVS or Walgreens. They’ll do the photo. You pay them the $35 fee.”
ME: (Thinking) Did she just send me to the competition?
ZLP: “Here’s an envelope. I think they’ll sell you the postage too.” Yells in back. “Hey Mike! Won’t they sell him the postage after they take the picher?”
Mike, avoiding the menace of photography during lunch: “Yeah, they can do all that.”
ME: (Dumbfounded that photo-boy was there the whole time. I’m sent away without a passport, photo, or postage from the very place you’d expect THAT at a minimum.)

I leave stunned, with a touch of zombie-itis setting in as I pass the stupid sign on the way out.

At the CVS, there was no customer repellant signage. No “he” eating an egg sandwich, unable to help. A very helpful 4 minutes later, my photo is taken, the form reviewed, postage affixed, and process begun. I bet every CVS trainee in America can click the camera button, especially for the $35 Passport fee, plus the $110 for the processing, including $8.90 for the postage. How much did CVS keep?

Then she kindly asks for an upsell: “Do you want to look at some travel-size toiletries while you’re here?” That type behavior will probably get you kicked off the Customer Repellant team at the Post Office.

A Question that leads to Wealth:
Are you adding or reducing friction with your customers?

With every customer contact, you’re doing one or the other. The Post Office was solid friction. CVS was like ball-bearings with Z-max poured on them.

• Is your CSR trained to advance the call? Or to put people on hold? My friends at CallSource tell me that the average appointment set rate for contractors is a painful 64%. That’s like 36% of the people being sent to the competition, eager to buy.

• Are your techs versed to advance the sale or relationship? How many mention the Maintenance Agreement and the discount they could’ve gotten? Do they ask for a positive online review? How many mention your other services?

(Two different consulting clients told me this month that their ‘other’ services fall behind when one is super busy. My question: “HOW CAN THIS BE when they are in MORE HOUSES?” Blank stares and silence ensues.)

• Does your follow-up contact ask about satisfaction? Referrals? Other services they wish you offered? Gather the email address? Bump to an Agreement?

• Does your outbound marketing only tout ‘sales’? (Fastest way to lose credibility.)  Only 55% of your marketing balance should be Direct Response, and I’m aggressive. The other should be Image, TOMA, and Retention. (Call your coach.)

• …Or vague generalities, with nothing unique?  “We’re fast, reliable, and honest!” Oh really? My clients are slow, unpredictable, and steal constantly.

While pondering the New Year, make some new changes to reduce friction everywhere you can. You’ll find far more business will slide your way, along with referrals, reputation, and more reasons your customers will grow blind and deaf to the competition.

They’ll be the ones eating the egg sandwich, wondering where all the customers went.

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