In Proverbs we are told that the wise learn from the mistakes of others. Using this method, I must be a fantastic teacher.
Mistakes are powerful lesson builders. Nowhere is this more evident than when you a) Measure everything, b) Are in the “Marketing for ROI” business, and c) Have teenage children in your household.

Email marketing inherently brings mistakes. Since it’s free and everyone can send an email, you see both wise and idiotic marketing side-by-side. Usually the higher the media cost the higher the research and testing.

Yet the wise have certainly learned from the mistakes, testing multiple email methods to maximize results.

Here’s what a 4 year study from the minds of MarketingSherpa in a multi-million dollar test updated June 2010 says are do’s and don’ts that are costing you big time. There were dozens but I condensed it to The TOP 9 EMAIL MISTAKES from Contractors. A few of these are shockers.

• The “From” line: How many emails do you send with your company in the “From” area, thinking, “Hey, they know me and my company, so this is a good, trustable source?” WRONG. One of the primary strengths of email is being “personal”, so making the “from” box appear personal is the exact same advice behind “blind” or “shielded” Direct Mail envelopes. (As your PowerPack advised you years ago!) Personal emails get read first, many company ones are trashed instantly. Get in that first group.

• Remain consistently “known”: Often a company will send an email from the salesperson, then from the CSR, then from accounting, then back to the the tech to confirm an appointment. BAD IDEA. Finally, the branders ‘win’ one, but we knew this one anyway. It is better to have either a) consistent spokesperson communicating in the ‘from’ line by name, OR b) “customer service”@, OR c) Something creative like, “TheDreamTeam@”.

• Watch the “Subject Line” Branding Attempts: Have you been told by the “experts” that putting your company name in the subject line is a good branding idea? WRONG. Findings from the research team indicated, “This single mistake sends response rates tumbling.” Another shot in the ‘branding’ vs. ‘direct response’ marketers mini-war.

• Subject Lines RULE Open Rates: Are you sending emails without thought to the Subject line? Are you ‘salesy’ sounding things like, “Check this out” or “We have some great deals”? KISS OF DEATH. Fact: the highest paid group in all of marketing are Direct Response copywriters. Within that, are the elite “headline” writers whose fees can be in the thousands per hour. Yes, per hour. Their trade has ballooned by writing emails that get opened, and that dear friends is from “Subject Lines” since they are the ‘headline’ of your email. I save the emails I get with the best ‘Subject’ lines, and have for years.

A Hint: Novelty, entertainment, intrigue, question, controversy ALL outpull the corporate ego schlock everyone else is sending.

• Subject Line Brevity: I got a subject line this week that said: “Come By Our Booth at Comfortech to See the New ” Really UnSmart. Due to the various pane previewers out there, most can’t even SEE more than about 30 characters. Keep Subject lines under 40 characters.

•Formatting Nightmares: We all get emails in two basic forms: HTML (graphics, formatting) and plain text (plain and legible). But which is better? This battle has raged on like, “Is it Lady Gaga or Lotta Gaggy?” The answer is finally here.
Send in HTML but with very plain graphics. Why? The test showed that high graphics – though nice to see – slowed emails, reduced opens, and appeared as ‘blanks’ more often. And thought Plain Text gets read more often, it does NOT share stats like HTML. Thus, the “hybrid” model. (If you send in MIME format, your emails will be sent in both formats, but you’re still cautioned against high graphic emails.)

• Common Link Mistakes: Lazy marketers or unaware contractors often send links that are more than one line long, causing it to slip to the next line, rendering unopenable except by cutting and pasting. Response Killer. Avoid link-wrapping and long tracking links.

• Prefix Disaster. Lots of email senders think its “old fashioned” to include the http:// because you don’t need it. HOGWASH. Include the ‘http’ because larger providers won’t present your link as “live” without the URL. Give the full prefix or expect a far lower open rate.

• Readership List Death. Many business owners felt that “cheap” or “free” meant “smart” in their corporate communications. So many swapped out product announcements, home show appearances, and newsletters from hard mail or traditional “paid” media to email. The study showed two things happened, both bad.

First, email is to be short or linked to a longer subject like we do in SMI. When the email was long, it was summarily discarded. (We reported this in SMI over two years ago.)

Second, since email is known to be cheap and fast, customers saw company information delivered this way as cheap, thus deletable. (How “warm” do you feel when you get an e-birthday card vs. a mailed one? Just checking.)

Research shows that mailed vs. emailed gets higher open rates, better branding, imaging, and most importantly higher response rates. The study showed between 4 and 22 times the response rate for a variety of items from the same company, for same product, to same list. Pretty good test.

Hudson, Ink recommends (this was not in the study) that you send short, content-rich emails to your broad “free” list, linking them to a longer article or product info within that email. Then supplement your email communication to your “paid” list (customers) with real mail. This way, you’re communicating both ways to the higher value list members.

We have seen response rates actually increase over the past 2 years with traditional “real” mail. (Same as the now-famous Wall Street Journal article on Direct Mail versus Email response.)

So if you’re going to use email – and you should – use it well.

So there you have it. Keep this list. Forward to a friend. You just saw how to make all the emails you send get opened more, read more, and pull better.

The Real Wealth in Contracting

Hallelujah. We now have a kitchen. Or most of one. At least I have a sink where I can wash my coffee cup without first having to remove some ladies' undergarment apparatus from Woolite. (Once it took me nearly two hours to untangle a halter top that had some origami kind of twisted front. I still don’t know if I got it right.)

We can now cook food in something other than a microwave. Since my teenagers eat roughly 11 meals per day, our home – when viewed from Google Earth – looks like a glow stick.

My refrigerator is no longer stylishly perched in the entrance hall, seemingly saying to guests, “Hi, welcome to our home. Please have some butter.”

And tracing my 12 weeks of family torment back to where it all began, we are once and for all…

Formica-less.

I hadn’t realized the kitchen design embarrassment my wife had endured all these years. The indestructible Formica had served us well, though it was potentially more suited to the Space Shuttle belly pan.

We now have quartz and marble countertops. Yet with manufacturing cleverness, they could be reconstituted Formica made to look like other materials, only priced 400 times higher. In fact many “hardwood floors” are really Formica with different names, same as many politicians.

Though my first home cost less than this renovation (I have no idea if that’s true, but you must make this type comment so others will do the “renovation gasp”) my wife is happy. And that counts for everything (unless you’re attracted to misery, punishment, weeping, gnashing of teeth, and sleeping in the yard).

You should be excellent at a) getting and creating “happy” customers, and b) committed to keeping those customers. Sure, you can have a “satisfied” customer and “hope” they call you back, but that’s so yesterday, so basic, so not you.

Though your job skills are important, no skill is more important than getting and keeping the customer. Why?

What value are your skills without customers? In this economy, not much. A fantastic plumber with no work is heading toward being broke. An “okay” plumber good at keeping customers and with a constant 2 week backlog is heading towards wealth.

You’ve got to be more than “just” skilled. Things have changed.

Here’s How The Contractors Fared, And Who Is Most Likely
To Take Their Business To The Next Level…

• The GC – Stayed in touch after he did a smallish bathroom job for our daughter’s room. He stayed busy while others moaned, and remembered to keep the pipeline full by treating ‘past’ jobs as ‘current’ customers. Smart. He scored this job and has a nice backlog of work. 2009 was his best year ever. Grade A

• The Plumber – Did fine work. However, he never said his name, never left a card, never asked to look at other plumbing issues in the house. We had to be reminded he was the plumber on the previous bathroom job. Guess he doesn’t care that we have plumbing in rooms other than the kitchen, or neighbors, all in 100 year old houses. He just does his work, disappears, hopes. Hard to call or refer a phantom. Grade D-

• Electrician – Did fine work. Uniforms, truck signage, left a card on every visit, we get his newsletter, postcards. Also called behind the work to check. Subsequently (and I’m no big customer) this company has done Hudson Ink’s 3 commercial properties, a warehouse, another house, and neighbors on both sides. Grade A

• Floor Dudes – Did ‘fair’ work. Has the people skills of a bruised turnip. Swept sawdust into our new floor vents, like we didn’t notice. Lucky they didn’t come on while the floor was wet. Fast, rushed, left zero company info, never called back to check or make good on the misstep. Our house and offices all have hardwood, as do all our neighbors. Oh well. Guess they don’t need more customers. Grade D

• Painters – Neatest painters I’ve ever seen. Cleaned up daily. Left swatches, mixed custom batches, really exceptional. To their discredit, never checked to see that we have other walls, or that I was planning to repaint our office façade, like I do every year. Even the company that did that job last year disappeared too. Never called, emailed, recontacted, nothing. I have no idea who it was. Guess I’ll just Google for painters. Grade C

• Countertop/Cabinet Contractors – Fabulous work. My wife’s birthday was during this time, asked if the marble could at least be ‘set’ while she was away as a surprise. They willingly complied, did an excellent job going “one step beyond”. I won’t forget that, nor them. They left company info and called after both jobs, Recontact works folks. Grade A

You may notice that the grades have little correlation to the quality of work. They have everything to do with getting called, referred, or remembered by a good “retained” customer. Recontacting customers means you’re keeping them by keeping yourself relevant.

A message from your customers to you: We’re paying customers. You paid to earn us. We want to remember you, call you, refer you, buy more from you, but need your help. Please don’t ignore us.

Once you’ve gotten a customer, your most important job is to keep that customer.

Getting Perpetual Traffic to Your Website: Google’s New Little Secret That Has Changed the Rules

Were these the good ol’ days? Back when Yellow Pages were the dominant marketing resource for contractors (around the Paleozoic era, just before Larry King’s birth) basically all you had to know is –

How big of an ad can I get for how much money?

After that, the Yellow Pages would design an ad that looked shockingly like every other ad in the book, and overcharge you mightily. If you paid more for more years, you got closer to the front of the section (whoopdee!). If you resisted, they would break your legs and call you names. It was a simpler time.

Though Yellow Page lookups have plummeted (down 24% in last 48 months, a precipitous decline – the online SuperPages not doing much better), they’re not dead. Yet a good bit of their viability has been drained by…

The internet. Okay, let’s call it Google. (You can suggest Yahoo, Bing, or Ask, but Google has 71.63% of the market according to Hitwise.com.) When you own the cards and the chips, you get to make the rules. Enter SEO.

Before the internet, we had to go based on “who was reading or watching what”. Now, we must get psycho-graphic and determine “What questions are prospects asking before they find me?”

In essence, this is Search Engine Optimization (SEO).

So, everyone began looking at keywords, search strings, relevance, and recency as methods to be “found” on the internet. Changes here are near constant. Case in point - -

There are 3 hugely popular SEO myths that DO NOT WORK anymore, and one ‘secret’ Google revision that has really changed rankings.

3 Popular Phrases that are Totally False today:

1. If you build it they will come. No they won’t. Let me rephrase this. “If you build it, you will be charged.” Basically, you can build the Taj Mahal of websites but if no one can find you, what was the point? Do not let your web designer “forget” to include SEO as one of the main reasons you’re investing.

2. Content is King. Content used to be King, but has now become a second Lieutenant. It is still very attractive, but can be overwhelming. Content per site is actually shrinking. The new “King” is activity (thanks Google!). More in a moment.

3. Being ranked first means you have the best site. No, it means you have the most “findable” site in that search string. I’d rather finish 3rd-5th in ranking (still top half of screen, first page) and have the most conversions. Even though I’m a lead junkie, I’d rather have closeable leads than window shoppers.

With that out of the way, what is working now?

Through Google Analytics, find how people are finding you. Easy to go to www.google.com/Analytics and see where you rank in your chosen words.

Keyword Check: Are your ‘best’ words used throughout your site? In your Title, Meta Tags and Head tags? Now check density of word usage. If “Plumbing in Sacramento” is a search string, then use that phrase early per page, and up to 3 times per 300 words.

Keyword tip everybody misses: DO NOT just post an image on your site with some undecipherable code. Place keywords in the ALT Tags for all your images. You’ll thank me later.

Video is more “active” than text. Label your videos, title it for relevance among hopeful viewers.

What are the top pages on your site now? Look for commonalities on those pages to see why they get more visits. Apply these tactics to your conversion pages.

Index Status: Check whether your website has been indexed by major search engines. If it is not indexed, all this SEO focus is pointless.

Are you socially acceptable? Put links to Twitter and FaceBook on your website, and cross link from them back to your site. Completely fill out your profiles, again using keywords as appropriate.

Blog your little fanny off. A weekly ‘editorial’ is really a blog, and that can be posted on Blogspot.com

Backlink check: When a link to you starts on another site and points to you, that’s a backlink. Getting quality backlinks is critical. So get listed in directories, post on related forums, get quoted in blogs and submit your articles to directories. Check backlinkbuilder.com. I do not recommend ‘buying’ backlinks. Dangerous territory.

Google’s Most Recent “Change” that will put money in your pocket. Get ready. Where you used to be able to get ‘found’ on static content, now Google ranks “activity” on your site. This means as you gain popularity… you gain findability. I know, it’s the chicken and the egg thing. Easiest thing to do is stay active. Add links, add articles, add posts, add customer reviews, update news, change dates, Tweet like an over-caffeinated canary, add video, post your printed newsletter on your website.

Kitchen Nightmares

As some of you may know, we’re redoing our kitchen. Someone forgot to tell me that when contractors remove your kitchen, the upheaval is only slightly less than if you sold your vital organs.

Rethinking that, since I’ve now consumed more than 300 of each variety of microwave dinners (said appliance on a piano bench in my living room), I would gladly trade my spleen for a completed kitchen.

Since we’ve no provision for doing dishes, which I’d initially thought was a huge benefit, we invested in plastic utensils. One package contains enough flatware to satisfy all the spitball shooting fourth graders in America until 2012.

Note to the plastic utensil manufacturing industry: they don’t work. A photograph of a knife and fork actually outperforms this stuff. The spoons work on room temperature items only. They snap attempting to move one shaving of ice cream and melt in soup like Uri Geller stared at them. The fourth graders have discovered the only true use for your products.

So, as a family, we now eat scalding microwave synthesized food with our hands. This means we scream and growl during dinner. This renovation has erased millions of years of evolution in eight weeks.

Also realize that this “no dishwashing provision” means that plates, glasses, and the occasional serving dish must now be cleaned in our laundry sink. I have now actually seen some type of ladies undergarment apparatus soaking with a piece of pasta and ricotta floating nearby. I almost gave up Italian food on the spot, but regained my senses. Further, I could easily gross you out with the little fudge ripple incident, but I won’t.

Now, onto the contractors.

The General Contractor has been great. I keep wanting to say something small-minded and bitterly satirical (my specialty) but – darn the luck – he keeps doing good work. Yet some subs have had slip ups. In no order, here you go - -

Electrical – As mentioned earlier, this is the ONLY company that landed on all three “lists”. (See the SMI, May 12, 2010 editorial). I also shared how they did it (See the SMI, May 24, 2010 issue.) These people’s prices make most jewelry stores look like thrift shops, but they’re good, reliable, fair and – here’s the kicker – highly professional. Quite unlike the…

Floor People – Far as I can tell, our hardwood floors needed sanding, staining, and clearing. Not exactly nuclear fusion. The only real skill test was matching the color to the other floors in the house. When they arrived at 8:02 one morning, bucket and brushes in hand for this step, I asked one question, “Is that the same color as the rest of the house?” This person, who appeared to have been tossed out of a Wolf Mother concert, never looked up and said, “I think its close.” That’s a quote. By 8:12, he’d left and I’d yet to reattach my jaw. The floor didn’t match. They promised their next coat would. We’ll see.

HVAC guys – They had to move a couple floor registers and build some new ductwork. They came on time, were orderly, but flubbed up one hole. Instead of making excuses, they fixed the problem. They did outstanding work, and impressed me mightily with this: they quoted me on an equipment upgrade using the tax credit, plus have re-contacted me twice to pursue once the kitchen was complete. Excellent selling by these guys. This professional upsell is worth about $6 grand of pure genius. In contrast to the…

Plumbers – Great technicians, but their business manner makes me wonder if they were raised with bi-polar jackals. They’d measure and cut perfect holes for their feed and waste lines… then ream them beyond recognition to fit the pipes. They put gorgeous copper piping behind the walls… then put a USED PVC as the trap line we’d see under the sink. (Honestly, it looked like scrap that washed here from Katrina.) They watched as the contractor gingerly slid a 650 pound oven over protective plywood as not to scratch the floor. Yet they dragged the new dishwasher over the same floor like a reluctant pit bull. The parallel grooves in our ‘new’ floor resemble the tri-oval at Darlington.

So they get to pay to redo the floors. In so doing, they’ll “throw away” half their net profit because they failed to put down a piece of plywood. Ridiculous. My wife was fairly sick about this.

If you’ll read closely, you’ll see that the “problems” were often not the craft; nor were the “solutions”. Neatness matters. Professionalism matters. Showing up on time counts. Accepting a mistake is remembered. The bare minimum is for you to do your craft well. What sets you apart is crafting yourself well.

To paraphrase long-time sage consultant Ron Smith: You don’t just fix the problem; you fix the customer.

Stay tuned.

Questions for you:

What can you do, starting today, that proves to a homeowner that you are different? (Think neatness, clarity, protecting property, cleanliness and proving it.)

What do other professionals in your town do – in any trade – that demonstrates true professionalism? What can you model?

Sales Meets Marketing

Marketing is a method by which sales opportunities are created. Marketing can bring you the leads, but if you can’t close ‘em, what’s the point?

I interviewed a young man for a marketing job the other day. He contended that his sales experience translated into marketing prowess. Not so fast…

I told him, without attaching superiority to either skill, it was like comparing a tournament fisherman to a commercial fisherman. One is more event focused; the other more process focused; both generate fish, or in this young man’s case, sales.

For the best salespeople, their skills are not natural. They’re trained – and train others – to sense when a buyer is in suspended disbelief (a good state by the way) or when they’re eager for you to get to the price. They’re trained to recognize when they’ve pushed internal ‘buy’ buttons, and need to bring out the proposal that second. The transition to the proposal should look as natural as breathing. Yet it’s ordered, intentional, and studied.

You can’t get this good by “winging it.” Training is the only way. It helps improve our marketing to homeowners and it’ll help you close more sales, at higher prices. Here’s how:

 Share your Summer marketing promotions with the entire staff at a weekly meeting. For July it could be your Summer Postcard Retention campaign. August can be an end-of-season Replacement Lead Generation. A simple plan is better than no plan.

 During the meeting, all must know where the ads are running. Make sure to “offer” details and deadlines (if you don’t use deadlines or limits, you’re losing lots of leads). Nothing is worse than a customer service representative (CSR) getting a call from an excited homeowner grasping a hot letter and responding, “I don’t have a clue what you’re referring to.” Buzz kill.

 All techs, salespeople, and CSRs must know your intended upsell for each offer. For example, water filtration from a leaking pipe, or an IAQ inspection that’s included with any service, or the maintenance agreement package included with an equipment upgrade. The logic is that if they enter the home with no upsell then they’ll either leave with either a standard or no sale. If given an upsell, they get one more level to raise average transaction size.

 Whether these sales close or not, you must follow up. Your CSRs and eager salespeople will follow up with a planned script to make sure needs are met, more information given, and referrals requested. The credibility gained by doing this – sale or no sale – guarantees your differentiation and future calls.

 Extra Sales Bump: The last sales follow-up comes back to marketing. This is where you send what I call the “unclosed prospect letter” to all fitting the description. We’ve offered this to clients for the past few years – though you can create your own – and their average sales rate from sending it is 4%.

See, it’s an intentional system. Whatever you’re offering this Summer, marketing and sales must work like a team. When they’re unified, the effect compounds to maximize leads, closing ratios, transaction sizes, and referral rates.

As you go through this Summer, you’ve got some economic jitters to contend with, and those are more easily overcome with planned sales responses. Likewise, your marketing can allay those fears, and as discussed here before, your marketing – not your retreat – will be more important this Summer than ever.

Let your sales and marketing combine its muscle to bring you more leads, richer sales, and happier customers. It’d be our pleasure to help you do that, now it’s up to you to do the rest.

Think You Got Some Bugs in Your Customer Service?

For the most part, our other copywriter Jessica is easy-going. She’s very contemplative, enjoys verbal jousting, has a great sense of humor and a quick wit. The best of copywriter traits.

That said, she’s not exactly a pushover. Once a very thin line is crossed, her inner calm turns into an enraged lion with venomous snakes for hair. (Did I mention Jessica was female too?)

Fortunately – for national safety – this rarely happens. Yet in what is turning out to be the “Best Worst Customer Service Story of 2010” (no applause yet, we’re only half way through the year, and we’re renovating our kitchen, remember?), Jessica’s line was crossed.

Oh, and I think you’ll be more than a little entertained to hear what happened next, in her own words. Customer Service lessons in abundance.



How NOT to Do Customer Service

By Jessica “I ain’t taking this anymore” Knight

My sister, brother-in-law and I woke on a beautiful Saturday to go to the “big city” for shopping and massages. A few hours later, not only were our muscles gloriously melted from the spa treatment, but our arms were filled with clothes, and most importantly, fabulous new shoes.

Since shopping and massages are so tiring, it was obviously time to hit our favorite Italian restaurant. Side note: I cannot eat pasta. So going to an Italian restaurant may sound like the dumbest idea since the doggie Snuggie (it’s real – look it up), but this restaurant will substitute pasta for grilled vegetables. Plus, the food is always fantastic. Decision made.

We walked in and were quickly seated by the overly-perky hostess who proceeded to knock a full bottle of olive oil onto my shirt. As I watched my shirt soak up enough oil to blame BP, I looked up for her response. It was one word long: “Oh”.

No apology, no wet nap, no oil boom, nothing. Mentally, I registered her disregard. So, greasy but undaunted, I spent the next 10 minutes in the bathroom drying the oil so I wouldn’t ignite when they lit the table candles.

Soon enough, our food comes. Oh joy. After a few bites I grab for my water, and there bobbing in the ice cubes, is a bug. We’re not talking about a gnat…we’re talking about an actual roach doing the backstroke in my water. This ain’t good.

Given my recently dismissed oil issue and now this, I politely and calmly called for the manager.

Now contractors, put yourself in my new, fabulous, shoes for a moment. A customer has a setback, then another, and now he or she is asking for you. You can either shine and be their hero… or you can spiral this thing out of control.

When the manager arrives, I explain the situation about the bug and the uncapped oil spill. As a repeat customer, my only “intention” was to a) Alert him to the problem(s) and b) Get a new glass of water. His reaction?

If you’re expecting an apology and, “Let me get you another drink and some napkins,” or even comping the meal, prepare to be shocked. His real response was to shout, “You’re not getting your food for free!” He was inching toward the line. Snakes were indeed beginning to grow out of my newly coiffed hair.

I gathered enough resolve to re-explain the oil slick and roach, and that I only asked for a glass of water. Once I had, he escalated his own crumbling position with, “I think you have an attitude problem.”

Unleash the lion.

In as good an Al Pacino as a lady can do, I said, “You think I have an attitude problem? Nope. I’m about to demonstrate an attitude problem for you.”

That’s when I stood and walked to the six tables surrounding ours, to start six conversations that all began with:

“Do you see this roach in my drink? The manager (my attitude induced finger pointing) doesn’t think this is a problem. Do you?” Snarls and gaggery ensued.

Half the tables got up and left, including a party of 9. I sat down, my performance now over. We gathered our things and as I departed I mentioned to the properly horrified manager, who’s repulsive non customer service attitude had just cost him at least $1500, “Now that was an attitude problem.” And we left, never to darken his door again, all because of a glass of water.

Let’s be sane here. People – your people, my people, others – are going to make mistakes. But the response is what makes all the difference.

In this case, the manager could’ve replaced the water, shared my feelings, and offered to pay for whatever laundry bill to clean the shirt. I’d have been happy. If he’d also offered to comp my meal (all of $17) I’d have been overjoyed. A wise manager would’ve done so instantly.

Yet the greedy and uncaring manger lost 3 additional tables, wads of Saturday night revenue and lost customers forever. As Adams has written many times, unhappy customers will tell 12 others their story. And that was before Social Media and the internet. Ooops.

Now your reputation is a few clicks away from being broadcast. An exponential increase to the damage can result in moments.

So if you leave a customer’s house a wreck, or don’t show up with the right materials, or have a dreaded “call back”, your reputation is on the line based on your reaction.

The lesson? Don’t be afraid to over correct. Spending more to save a customer and stem the bad word of mouth can save you (and make you) tons of money in the long run. Investing in your current and repeat customers generally has a better ROI than trying to replace them.

Bon appetit!

8 Wise Things That I Have Learned, Some of Them Just Yesterday

Having had a birthday this week, I decided to assemble my list of wise sayings and observations. When you start seeing gray hair, you can do this too. This article has very little to do with marketing, except for the last one, so consider yourself warned.

1. If you don’t think birthdays are worth celebrating, try skipping one. Same goes for every day, including this one.
2. If your wife of 25 years asks you before you go out, “Are you wearing that?” this does not mean she’s been stricken blind. She essentially means “You look hopelessly unkempt, inappropriate, and stupid.” Your options are to a) change clothes or b) prepare to not stand next to her for the duration of said event. Either option can have advantages. I did not just say that.
3. The next time a company worth $40 billion asks for a permit to drill a hole in the earth, please ask if they can fill the hole they make. My sheetrock guy, carpenter, auto bodyman and dentist – who aren’t worth $40 billion - make holes and know how to patch them. They consider it part of their job, and would be insulted if you thought otherwise. Related to this…
4. I wouldn’t order any oysters until 2025. Or later.
5. When your teenage children drive you nuts because their moods are governed by tides on an evil and distant planet, remind yourself of this: Your tolerance of them now is in direct proportion to the tolerance they’ll have for you later when you’re telling them about gall bladder surgery. Again.
6. If you feel the need to make a smarty pants comment to a waiter or waitress, don’t do it until after your food has been served. If you are with someone who forgets this rule, make sure you order something significantly different from them. For instance, if you order soup and the rude person does too, you should immediately say, “I have a sudden craving for the flaming lamb kabobs instead.”
7. If you’re caught napping at your desk, the all time best response is, “… in his name we pray, amen.” Though a good response, if false, you may be punished more discreetly and severely that just being honest with your boss.
8. If you are Nike and your trillionaire client with a squeaky clean image seems to have misplaced his wedding vows, it is in poor taste – marketing or otherwise – to try and buy back public sympathy with an ad campaign featuring his deceased father. My advice: drop him. Just do it.

And so, since I’m sure there are tens of thousands of cards in the mail wishing me so, I’ll wish myself a happy birthday. See? Wisdom is knowing your audience.