Warning: The following editorial has nothing to do with marketing. It has a lot to do with an assumption that the general public is not terribly bright. And they may have a point.
So, I’m driving the family “ride” back from our vacation, reminiscing about the trip. We were not in one of my “normal” flame-throwing, environment-ruining vehicles, but in – dare I admit it? – my wife’s hybrid SUV.
This vehicle, which is saving owls as we speak, is actually pretty quick since the ‘e’ portion of the engine produces 100% torque at idle. However, I still can’t chirp the front tires since the battery pack weighs more than Kentucky.
That fun fact aside, I make a very law-abiding left turn at a law-abiding rate of speed onto a 2-lane highway that will soon lead to the Interstate.
While on this 2-lane, which would be 55 mph in all other NORMAL PLACES IN THE UNIVERSE, there is a section of road where the speed limit inexplicably drops to 35 mph (also known as “stationary”) for like 16 feet.
Coincidentally, this is the length of the radar-equipped police car stationed there 24 hours a day until the end of time.
As soon as I pass by, the only policeman in Mayberry appears to be mating with my trunk, blue lights awhirl, politely instructing me to pull over so I can be grilled. And I mean on an actual grill, with flames and stuff, to be consumed with beer and chips later. That’s the law in small-town Alabama. Test it at your peril.
Yet, I DO respect that he’s doing his job so I pull off the perfectly paved, impossibly straight 2-lane highway intended for travel beyond 35 and hand him my formerly unblemished license.
He informs me I was clocked going 52 – admittedly near the speed of sound – then radios someone to make sure I’m not part of the Medellin Cartel. Soon as I’m cleared, he gives me the speech he’s given to all motorists dumb enough to think this perfectly paved, impossibly straight 2-lane highway was intended for travel beyond 35. He also gives me the ‘Goldenrod’ copy of the speeding ticket.
A few moments later, my wife remembers that we have Pre-Paid Legal service. A small smile finds its way through her clenched jaw. We’ve had this service for a while, have never used it, but now seemed the perfect time. After much faxing and such, my appointed attorney tells me that my driving points and ticket costs would be waived if I attended…
Online Traffic School
I’m thinking this would be a breeze. That was until I saw there were EIGHTEEN courses, each requiring actual reading and quizzes.
These courses drone on for eons on stuff like how far you should be able to see a blinker, or the gross weight of the air in your tires, and some information whose sole purpose is to make this thing 18 courses long.
As I take these courses, I have come across some splendid tips I thought you’d find useful.
The Following Are 100% Real Excerpts from the Test that I Did Not Make Up:
From Course 2: “There are two kinds of glasses that are not permitted at night. Dark glasses or sunglasses may not be worn at night, as they make it very hard to see objects that are poorly illuminated.”
(First, I thought dark glasses and sunglasses were the same. Next, you mean they’re unnecessary at night? Whoa.)
From Course 4: “When driving during the day, you can see better and further ahead because of the bright lighting. You can see road signs, traffic hazards and turns in the road much better than if you were driving at night.”
(I have nothing to say. Nothing. I only thought I was speechless until this next one.)
From Course 5: “Weather is a key environment maker.”
(Though stunned at this pronouncement, I did think of another key environment maker: Mentos dropped in a Diet Coke on your co-worker’s desk. Better than a portable volcano.)
From Course 6: “If you can see a vehicle moving closer to you, it is probably too close for you to start to pass.”
(I have never been more confused. How do I gauge the ability to pass if I’m unable to detect a moving vehicle? Doesn’t a lot of driving involve seeing other moving vehicles? Thus, my confusion.)
From Course 8: “Stray or wild animals can sometimes be found unexpectedly lying or standing on the road.”
(I mean, who EXPECTS to see animals in the road? Ever been riding with someone who said, “Slow down. I sense a Zebra napping just around this curve.”)
And I have 10 more courses to go! I am now giddy with excitement. Stay tuned.
Questions for You:
- Do you want to see the rest of these fabulous tips and if I am allowed back on public highways after completion? Click ‘like’ for yes!
- Do you wish I’d take the course and just be quiet? Click ‘like’ for yes!
- Do you wish I’d come up with a less obvious way of getting more likes? Click ‘like’ for yes!
(Depending on responses, I’ll post more tips and embarrassing results on Hudson Ink’s Facebook page.)
Adams Hudson
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