The Joys of Bronchitis

(Also known as Sinusitis, Rhinitis, Allergy, Flu (Bird, Swine, Snake, whatever), Common Cold or any other Death by Nose Ailment Syndrome.)

I have never known the difference in any of the above, but I just had one for sure. Possibly all of them. They all pretty much render your nose useless, like a table decoration, or the “shut door” button on any elevator. (No workie, ever.)

My nose’s only use for the past few days was to feel at least twice as large and 1/6th as effective at exchanging air. It did an awesome job at running incessantly – which is a real chick magnet - and making all my speech sound like I had a gerbil in my mouth.

It’s obvious my sinuses hate me. I’m not all that fond of them now either, but I don’t know how to punish them. I considered putting bottle rockets in my nose and lighting them simultaneously. 

Anything would be worth a try. Including this. (If you’re an attorney for a major drug manufacturer, please turn around now. There is nothing at this link for you to see.)

The Phlegmharmonic

Oh, this was fun. My sinuses spread bad rumors about me to my throat, which told my tear ducts and my sneeze button, which is in this same region. They all conspired in the following little symphony of congestion-related misery. My nose would run, which tripped the sneeze button, which hurt my throat and chest enough to bring tears down my face. They did this all day and thought it was hilarious. I may put my sinuses on eBay. I don’t even need them.

Since it’s a fact that men suffer 14 times more with any ailment than women, I sent my wife to the store for meds and bottle rockets. She returned with something like, “Severe Sinus Mega Death Terminator Plus” (in Cherry!) and I was eager to crush them up and mainline the whole pack.

CAUTION: WE CANNOT ALLOW YOU TO TAKE THE MEDICINE YOU JUST BOUGHT

Not so fast, you Bronchial Bratwurst, because on top of your severe suffering, we will add severe package irritation.

Since children are constantly rummaging through medicine drawers to eat something that tastes like Ajax and Rust granules, these packages must be made “Child Proof”. To thwart their efforts, the packages must also resist cutting tools, torches, chainsaws and explosives. Escape artist Criss Angel had to quit touring for a month because he couldn’t open the packages.

Here’s a photo of the unopened package. Seems friendly and approachable.

Here are the directions to “Bend and Peel, then purchase machete.”

Here’s stuff I had to use to open it. By the time I got in, it was time for my 2nd dose.

I nearly had to hire a safecracker to get in mine, but finally did. And… nothing happened. So, I took all 24 of them. I’M KIDDING. Yet 2 days of Over-the-Counter solutions proved futile to me, and wore out a pair of metal shears.

So I got serious: Armed with a month’s worth of Kleenex, I went to the local Sushi place to snort a couple lines of Wasabi.

Wasabi is Japanese for “Rocket powered nose must die ailment” (the translation is a little awkward) but you get the point. Obviously, Wasabi can beat up sinuses because I could actually breathe for the afternoon. However, it was short-lived relief.

Call in the Professional Sinus Exterminators

I texted my dear brother-in-law, the physician in the family, who even in a text could gather my gerbilesque tone of suffering. Now in Day 3 of a Hostile Sinus Takeover, he instantly called in the right medication, the right regimen, at the right moment. As a result of my near-death experience, I was a thoroughly-obedient patient.

And in fairly short order –

I got healed. My lava-filled lungs became clear. My barnacle-lined throat returned to normal. My nose can actually be used for breathing.

It’s amazing what happens when you quit trying to fix everything yourself and put faith in the hands of those trained who cure.

And I got $6.80 for my sinuses on eBay. All is right with the world.

Adams Hudson